Just Shoot Me Now
by summerchristmas838
Summary: Due to a long series of really interesting events, Hakuba finds himself kissing the KID. Alright, maybe it was just a peck, but still. Will this lead to any new feelings between the two? And what of the mysterious organization? Very crackish, HakubaxKaito
1. Dangers of Drag

"I'm going to kill somebody." An extremely irate Hakuba could not help but think this over and over again, seeing that it was probably the only thing keeping him sane. The normally well-composed- not stuffy- British detective could feel a migraine building in his forehead as he stood outside a very imposing looking building, called the Washington D. Company, for yet another KID heist. Groaning slightly, he attempted to pull the skirt he had on a little lower to preserve at least some semblance of dignity.

Wait. What?

The reason for Hakuba's grumpiness and headache was actually very simple. He was at a KID heist wearing a skirt, dress shirt, long blonde wig, hair ribbon, and copious amounts of makeup. Who wouldn't be at least a little cranky? But wait. Why on earth was Hakuba dressed as a girl, anyways?

Well, really, this all started when Hakuba decided to return to Japan after about a year abroad in England. Quite simple, really. Except, of course, he had (stupidly) decided to call Inspector Nakamori to announce his arrival. Apparently, KID had planned a heist on the same day he was set to return to Japan, and Nakamori wanted his help (still having had no luck in catching the elusive KID). Happy at any chance to defeat and unmask that stupid thief (who Hakuba still thought was definitely Kuroba), the detective immediately accepted.

The only problem was, upon stepping off the plane after hours of flying, a slightly ruffled, sleepless Hakuba was greeted by an extremely happy and dress-wielding Task Force.

"No." Hakuba had deadpanned. "No bloody way am I'm wearing that." The shirt was covered in frills and ribbons, and the skirt was a horrid shade of hot pink that made him want to puke.

"Please?" The task force had begged.

Apparently, the logic behind the dress was that nobody except for them knew that Hakuba had returned to Japan. If he was wearing a disguise, then of course, KID, not knowing that Hakuba was there, would naturally have his guard down, and then they would finally catch him!

Of course, Hakuba had protested, torn between wanting to defeat KID once and for all, and not wanting to defeat KID whilst in a miniskirt. He had eventually relented, and now found himself pretending to be a girl (although, with some masterfully applied makeup, a rather convincing one).

"What's the story behind this one?" Hakuba asked Nakamori.

"KID's goal today is the Sisyphean Diamond, a stone which was rumored to have belonged to the ancient Greek king," Nakamori rattled off. Huh. It sounded like he'd be rehearsing. "I have the note right here."

Hakuba took the note from the Inspector. For a KID note it was decently straightforward (perhaps, due to his absence, the phantom thief had been forced to dumb it down a bit, so the task force would actually have a chance of solving the notices).

"I will be stealing the Sisyphean Diamond on Saturday at (a) Wd 9.

-Kaitou KID. :3"

Yes. It was significantly easier to solve compared to KID's normal notes. Apparently, a year was a long time. Hopefully, having to deal with the Task Force's almost humorous failures meant that KID was out of practice meant that it would be easier to catch him.

"So..." Hakuba ventured, "what's our plan for today?"

"Glad you asked," Nakamori answered, a tad smug. "You, my friend, are going to do what you always do: tell us the best plan of action to do in order to catch KID."

"...why does this mean I need to wear a skirt again?" Hakuba could not help but ask, even though he already knew the answer. It was so that, in the case that KID was currently scoping out the building, he wouldn't know that Hakuba was a part of this, and would then be caught completely off guard when Hakuba, with his detective's mind, managed to deduce the magician's plan and location.

Nakamori, having already explained this, simply ignored the question. "It's only 5:50," he said, looking at his watch. "I still have time to show you our security system." With that, Hakuba found himself walking through unfriendly looking concrete corridors and climbing down staircases to the basement.

"This room is completely foolproof," Nakamori nodded. "It's basically a concrete cube, entirely underground, and with only one entrance: the door. KID will never make it in here!" He laughed nervously while patting the pedestal where the jewel rested in all its shimmering glorys.

Hakuba was too busy staring at the heist card to take notice of Nakamori's nervous prattle. Something felt off about it... why were there two 'ats', anyways? Thinking about it, the second one looked kind of like a swirl... or maybe a circular arrow? Frowning, he turned it upside down. Huh. Upside down it almost looked like...

Somewhere, a clock chimed 6. Almost simultaneously, a very familiar pink gas began to fill the room, causing all of the room's members to collapse into fits of unconsciousness.

Well, all except one. Hakuba had managed to get an arm in front of his mouth and nose, and, after a few brief moments of lightheadedness, pulled himself together enough to look up.

"Oh shit." The detective cursed. Perched on top of the pedestal and holding the large gemstone was none other than the one, and the only, Kaitou Kid. Apparently, his notes had not gotten the point of straightforwardness that they actually exactly specified the time/date/location. The thief certainly cut an imposing figure. With a familiar smirk, he did a neat back flip and took off for the door, his white cape flowing behind him.

Hakuba immediately jumped up to his feet and began to run after his nemesis. Screw the fact that he was in a skirt, he was the only actual conscious member of the Task Force, and thus the only one with the ability to catch the thief. The Brit immediately began cursing in his head as he tripped and stumbled: who's idea was it for him to wear high heels again? Tearing the accursed shoes off, he took to the chase.

Five minutes and innumerable staircases later, Hakuba finally arrived, panting harshly and heart pounding, in the main lobby. Kaitou KID was standing there serenely, gazing up at the beautiful gem he held in his hand, which sparkled prettily in the moonlight.

"STOP! THIEF!" Hakuba screeched, perhaps a bit higher then he would normally talk. Hey, he was out of breath, after all. Hakuba lurched forward in an attempt to perhaps tackle the thief, but KID's reflexes were too fast, and he neatly jumped out of the way. Poor Hakuba collapsed to the floor gasping for breath.

"Mental note to self," he thought bitterly. Just what his mental note to self was ended up never completely thought out, because at that moment, Hakuba felt gloved fingers brush his own, and the next thing he knew, a certain phantom thief was kissing his hand.

Kissing. His. Hand.

"Oh god no." Hakuba mouthed silently, his mind going blank in fear. This was not happening. This was not happening. KID was not acting like his normal, flirtatious self because KID only flirted with those crazy girls in his fanclub, and Hakuba was a guy.

Except.

Hakuba was a guy dressed as a girl.

Or disguised as girl. Meaning that KID didn't recognize him.

Oh no.

"I'll give this back." The thief smiled his trademark grin, the one that generally had the Task Force wanting to tear out their hair in frustration and annoyance, and pressed the large stone into Hakuba's disbelieving hand. "It's not what I'm looking for." With a swirl of his cape, Kaitou turned around and made to leave.

'St-stop!" Hakuba managed to get those words out of his shell-shocked mind, and instinctively lunged towards the person in front of him, ultimately ending up with a handful of cape.

Bad move.

The thief stopped dead, then slowly turned around and kneeled down.

"Congratulations on figuring out the message," KID smiled. Hakuba's heart did not suddenly speed up due to nervousness, the same way Hakuba did not draw back slightly in fear and apprehension.

"But... a lovely flower such as yourself shouldn't mope on the ground." Great. Now the thief really WAS flirting with him. This day couldn't get any worse, could it?

Rather suddenly, Kaitou stood up, dragging Hakuba up with him.

"I guess this is you're reward for 'catching' me." Chuckling slightly, he grabbed Hakuba's chin.

Tilted his face forward slightly.

And kissed him full on the lips.

Alright, perhaps this was an exaggeration. It was more of a quick peck, and then KID was gone, a soaring bird silhouetted against the brightness of the full moon.

But still. There was something about being kissed by your rival/only criminal who's defeated you/classmate that would leave you slightly traumatized.

But even as he sat there gazing in complete horror at the retreating figure of the phantom thief and trying to come to terms over what had just happened, his mouth agape in shock, Hakuba's mind could only think one thing.

At least the disguise was successful.

* * *

I am amazed that I actually wrote something. And am now attempting to write something multi-chapteral. THE WORLD IS ENDING.

..also, the (a) thing is the at sign, because FF won't let me use the real thing (D:)

Reviews=motivation, yes?

Gosho Aoyama owns these characters, not me. If I DID own them....


	2. The Morning After

Briiing. Briiing. Briiiii-

"Oh god just shut up!"

The school bell let out another shrill ring just to spite him, and Kaito lowered himself into his seat with a sigh. Stupid bell. It felt like the person who had picked it had been trying to be as annoying as possible.

Yesterday's heist had been successful yet again, largely due to the fact that without a certain Brit, the entire Task Force were basically morons (although there _was_ that new girl who had managed to solve his heist note. Huh. He'd never seen her before).

"To be honest," he thought idly, "Hakuba is probably the driving force behind any success in catching me in the first place." Hakuba hadn't been helping out at any heists because had been in England for the last year or so.

Except, of course, for the fact that his favorite detective was currently walking into the room with an exhausted and irritated look plastered onto his face.

"All right, class!" Their overly happy teacher chirped, smiling. "Today, one of our old students is returning after some time abroad!" She motioned for Hakuba to enter the room, which he did.

"Hakuba! Over here!" Aoko waved her arms happily, a smile appearing on her face. She gestured to the seat between herself and Kaito. "We missed you!"

Hakuba glanced over to them, his lack of sleep still obvious due to the eye shadows under his eyes. Then-

an almost inaudible jerk of the head, shudder- was that a blush? And then Hakuba was striding determinately towards the only other empty seat in the class, the faintest hint of red adorning his cheeks.

"Huh," Kaito mused. Something was up with Hakuba. What could it possibly be...?

* * *

"Somebody shoot me," Hakuba muttered under his breath. "Somebody shoot me somebody shoot me somebody shoot me." He repeated this rather morbid chant several more times while pacing back and forth in the empty classroom, his brain whirring wildly.

Judging from his lack of reaction whatsoever, Kuroba had not realized who the person who he had kissed was (either that or he simply wasn't the KID, but the sheer notion of that was simply ridiculous). Seeing that the Task Force had been unconscious at the time, his superb deductive skills could therefore assume that he was the only person who actually knew the whole story about The Kiss.

So.

As long he kept his mouth shut and a strong poker face on, there was absolutely no reason for anybody to ever know about this. Ever. EVER.

"If I'm lucky," he mused, "My brain will repress the memory of that ever happening because it was so traumatic, in a decade or two when KID is in jail my therapist will uncover these memories, and then I can sue that stupid thief for sexual harassment."

And with that happy thought, Hakuba exited the classroom.

After all, there was no way he WASN'T going to keep his mouth shut.

Right?

* * *

"I sense a great change in the scope of the future," Akako whispered breathlessly. "Kuroba... you'd better watch out for your knight on a white horse. Something recent has happened that will cause him to sweep our black-feathered ghost off his feet..." She finished her prophecy ominously.

Kaito suddenly felt a pang of nervousness. But this had nothing to do with the fact that Akako had spewed another eerie riddle of a prediction, since that happened every other day. No, it was because this time, Akako had trailed off near the end before turning a lovely shade of red and excusing herself hurriedly to the bathroom, hand clutching her nose.

Before he had any time to ponder this any farther, Aoko cut off his train of thought.

"That Hakuba," she grumbled angrily. "What in the world was he up to this morning, that jerk? Ignoring me like that?" She slammed down her fist in emphasis.

Kaito shrugged and ignored her as she went on another angry tirade. At least this time, he wouldn't be the receiving end of her mop-fueled wrath. Kaito (almost) felt sorry for Hakuba.

And speak of the devil, the British detective was walking towards them now, a distinct aura of awkwardness resting on his shoulders. Aoko immediately jumped up and unleashed all her fury upon his poor, unfortunate soul.

"I-I'm sorry, okay?" Hakuba raised both his hands in defense, then immediately ducked to avoid a viciously swinging mop aimed at his head. He caught Kaito staring at their mop-fight-dance and immediately started blushing again. "I guess I wasn't th-thinking because someon-thing else was on my mind and-" the rest of his stuttered excuse was drowned out by several resounding whaps courtesy of the mop as well as more yelling.

"I never knew watching a mop-fight could be so entertaining," Kaito mused dryly as he sipped his milk. "Just as long as you're not the victim, I suppose." Something really was up with Hakuba, though, seeing that he had been stuttering, blushing even more, and- was that a slip of the tongue?

"Oi, Aoko," he yelled from his seat to the entertainment. "I think you need to stop before you kill him. I can see the headlines now.."Internationally Famous and Promising Detective's Life Tragically Cut Short by Mop at Hands of Female Classmate." He gestured dramatically with his hands to prove his point.

"And besides," Kaito could not help but let a completely out of character and demonic grin stretch across his face, "Didn't you notice? He nearly said 'someone.' It's obvious- Hakuba was thinking about the person he has a crush on! Who knew that the cold-hearted and prissy Englishman could actually harbor feelings as acute as lov-"

"Incorrect deduction," Hakuba interrupted quickly, trying to regain composure as he straightened his lapel. It appeared that poker faces weren't particularly easy to keep. "It's obvious why I am the detective and you, a worthless thief." With that cutting remark behind him, he turned and tried to saunter smoothly away.

And crashed into Akako.

Who took one look at him, grabbed her nose and fled back towards the bathroom.

"...what on Earth..?" Hakuba asked himself.

* * *

"Boss?" The man asked. "You called for me?" His walrus mustache quivered slightly as he spoke, his nervous, piggish eyes darting back and forth in the shadow of the fedora perched jauntily on his head. He grasped the electronic device through which he speaking in his hand tighter. "What is it?"

"Snake." The voice on the other end was cold, calculating, and slightly altered to hide the identity of his owner. "I have a new mission for you, seeing that you still have not caught that stupid thief. Hopefully you can handle both at the same time." His tone of voice had a slight edge to it, so his words sounded almost like a threat.

"Of-of course, boss!" Snake nodded vigorously despite the fact that his boss probably couldn't see him. Probably. "What is this new mission?"

"It is slightly related to your old one," the voice drawled. "Do you know the police head of Tokyo?"

"You mean... Hakuba?" Snake thought for a second. "I heard he was completely incorruptible: a real champion for the law."

"Yeah, him." The voice replied. "I tire of him always meddling in our... business transactions. It's quite tiresome and wastes quite a bit of my time, frankly. So, your job is-"

"To assassinate him?" Snake asked, a tad hopefully.

"No, nothing of the sort. Killing a person in such a high position would attract all kinds of unwanted attention." The voice suddenly switched to a brisk, business-like tone of voice. "Recently, Hakuba's teenage son has returned to Japan after studying abroad for a year. Your job will be to kidnap him. We can hold him hostage to use as leverage to convince Hakuba that perhaps overlooking some of our more... unsavory pastimes would be ideal for both sides." An evil chuckle. "Can I count on you?"

"Of course!" Snake responded, a beat too quickly. "He seems quite fond of those KID heists, so I'll see what I can do."

The only response he got was the beeping from the phone that signified the termination of the call.

* * *

Kekeke. Do I smell an actual plot? (yes. This ...thing... will have an actual plot in it. Somehow. That I will make up as I go along.)

Look! I finally updated! It's obvious why I never tried writing a multi-chapteral fic before: I'm really, really lazy. That, and I somehow got writer's block on chapter 2. (I knew I should have written out the plot beforehand...)

Ominous conversation is ominous.

Please review. They serve as motivation to the lazy-as-bricks me.

Also, Detective Conan, Magic Kaito, and these characters belong to Gosho Aoyama, not me. If they did...


	3. Sir Stinky

Jirokichi Suzuki stroked his walrus mustache and let out a hearty bark of laughter. The poor reporter who was currently interviewing him could only wince slightly and continue the interview.

"S-so, Mr. Suzuki- do you care to explain what you plan to capture the Kaitou KID with this time?"

"Certainly," he boomed. "Using a massive sum of money, I have managed to obtain the largest Sapphire from the headdress that once belonged to the Crown Prince of Bengal: The Bluebird's Star. So- KAITOU KID!" He pointed dramatically at the camera. "Once again- I challenge you to steal this gem! I will definitely catch you this time and-

Click.

Kaito lowered the remote control, yawning slightly. So the old man was at it again? It was a good thing that gemstones were right up Kaito's alley of "Things he Needed to Steal". Plus, it was much too fun giving him a heart attack every time his "master plan" failed.

Digressing from the topic, it appeared that the poor reporter had been scared stiff by Suzuki's loudmouthed rant. He generally had that effect on most people.

"Except me, of course," Kaito mused thoughtfully, staring down at the thick piece of paper he was clutching in his gloved hand (it wouldn't do to leave fingerprints). With his other hand, he picked up a pen and began to write his heist note.

* * *

"When Saturn next smiles upon us, and the Iron Maiden has her hands raised to the heavens, I will steal the Bluebird's Star from its nest.

3- Kaitou KID."

* * *

Kaito could not help but let out a Chesire Cat grin as he hid behind his newspaper. "Phantom Thief KID accepts Suzuki challenge" was emblazed on the front of the paper in dramatic, bold text. The rest of the article (which took up the first 3 pages of the newspaper) went on to interview Jirokichi about his top-secret plans to catch the Kaitou, as well as a quick history of the gem itself and a description, of course, of the internationally wanted criminal.

However, the thing that had caught Kaito's eye was a short blurb on the return of his favorite detective to the investigation team.

In fact, said detective had already cracked his note, as stated in an interview with him on page 2.

"Saturn, who was the Roman god of Agriculture, is also the namesake for Saturday, and the Iron Maiden is a clock: her hands to the heavens means that it is 12. However, it is said that Saturn governed the very first hour of Saturday, so the 12'oclock would be 12AM, not PM."

Ah, how he had missed the sharp prowess and straight to the point personality of his nemesis. Kaito sighed in contentment and happiness at the challenge he might actually face on Saturday.

Saguru Hakuba, on the other hand, was still being extremely nervous and jumpy for no apparent reason.

"There has to be a reason for this," Kaito thought to himself.

And thought.

And thought.

And then the truth hit him with the force of a lightning bolt as something in his mind clicked together.

He had stumbled upon reality the last time he had been teasing Hakuba, which explained why Hakuba had ended up so completely flustered.

Because Hakuba was actually in love with somebody.

And that somebody was Aoko.

Yes. That was the only possible explanation. Which left him- the overprotective, sister-complex figure in Aoko's life- to protect her from that scheming British bastard. Already, convoluted plans were sprouting in his mind.

Almost in agreement, the bell chose this moment to let out a piercing ring, signifying the beginning of class.

* * *

Hakuba couldn't take in anymore.

He was currently standing outside Kuroba Kaito's house, trying to find the courage inside himself to knock. Hakuba had spent the entire week trying to stick with his indifferent, gentlemanly attitude, but he really couldn't ignore his feelings anymore.

Just as he was trying (and succeeding) to not think about Kuroba and his last heist, the stupid thief had to go and do something that made it impossible to ignore him.

He had sent a flock of stalker pigeons after Hakuba.

The first one he could probably have brushed off as a coincidence, but as the week wore on, the number of pigeons grew and grew, and the things they did got worse and worse.

The first one had simply been a nuisance, pecking at his head and clothes. But then, they started-

stealing his food, shredding his homework, ruining his possessions, throwing smoke bombs at him randomly throughout the day and now this-

this was too much.

Those stupid birds had -and he didn't know how this was even possible- taken Sir Stinky.

That's right. Somehow, a flock of magical pigeons had stolen Hakuba's stuffed elephant. So now here he was at Kaito's house to get Sir Stinky back.

And to demand an explanation.

But mostly to get Sir Stinky back.

Taking a deep breath, Hakuba lifted his hand and knocked precisely 3 times.

"Hello?" The door opened and a woman, probably Kuroba's mom, peered out cautiously. "Who's there?"

"Good afternoon, 'mam," Hakuba smiled politely, trying to keep his nerves and anger at bay. "May I please speak with Kuroba-kun?"

"Of course!" The woman disappeared into the house. Hakuba could hear a muffled "KAITO! Someone's here to see you!" as well as the response of "Coming, mom," issue from the house. A few thumps and then Kaito was standing at the door.

"What do you want?" He asked, a tad coldly.

Now, we must remember that Hakuba had recently suffered the great loss of one of his most prized possessions, and had also spent the last several days under severe mental torture, and therefore cannot be responsible for his actions upon seeing the source of all his pain.

The normally composed Hakuba screamed something utterly incomprehensible- something about "Call of those bloody pigeons before I shoot and cook them!" combined with "SIR STINKY! Where is he? GIVE ME BACK SIR STINKY!"

Unfortunately, he also made the grave error of grabbing Kuroba's collar as well as jumping at him at the same time, ultimately stumbling and tripping. The momentum from his jump succeeded in knocking both of them over, and they ended up in a less-than-innocent position.

To put it mildly.

The two ill-fated members of this unwanted embrace stared at each other for a few shell-struck seconds- then, with a cry of surprise, simultaneously drew back from their awkward situation.

"..what?" Kaito intoned, silently thanking the gods for his uncrackable poker face.

Feeling extremely embarrassed but too far in to pull back now, Hakuba continued on his mission of retribution.

"Give me back Sir Stinky!"

"Sir ...what?"

"The elephant!" Hakuba screeched, trying to stop himself from strangling Kaito to death. "The elephant that your stupid birds took! WHY DID YOU SET BIRDS ON ME ANYWAYS?"

Hakuba was highly entertaining when his composition was cracked, Kaito noted dryly.

"Hakuba, you do realize that you sound like a girl when agitated, right?"

Whatever Hakuba had been on the verge of yelling died on his lips in a splutter of indignation. Kaito took this as a sign to continue talking.

"Who names their elephant Sir Stinky, anyways?"

"He was... a present from when I was very young." Hakuba was blushing furiously again, both red faced from anger and discomfort. "Can I please have him back?"

"Sorry. Don't have it." Kaito said dismissively.

"What? But you have to! You were the ones that sent the stupid birds!" Hakuba sounded highly...upset.

"Yeah. I sent the birds-"

"Why did you do that, anyways?"

Kaito sighed. "To keep you away from Aoko."

3..2...1...

"WHAT?" The British detective gave him a look best described as incredulous shock.

"I'm not stupid, you know." Kaito tapped the side of his head for emphasis. "You've been acting weird all week, and I know it's because you like Aoko. Well, just to warn you, I won't let you have her without a fight! She's my best friend in the whole world and you'll have to go through me first!"

"....Let me get this straight." Hakuba gritted his teeth. "You sent a flock of demonic pigeons to make my life miserable, stole Sir Stinky-"

"Did not!"

"-JUST to keep me away from Aoko because YOU SODDING THINK I LIKE HER WHICH I BLOODY DON'T?"

Hakuba generally only spoke with a British accent when he was angry. And he was definitely pissed right now.

"You... you... I swear tomorrow I'm going to bloody catch you at the bloody heist you bloody... THIEF!"

Hakuba turned on his heels and stormed dramatically out of the house, slamming the door behind him and leaving a very bemused Kaito.

"Dear, is everything alright?" Kaito's mom called from the kitchen.

" Yeah, everything's fine," he called back as he began to walk back to his room. Opening the door, Kaito was surprised by the return of his flock of pigeons.

Which were pecking and clawing at a rumpled-looking grey elephant in the middle of his floor.

"Oh no..." Kaito hastily shooed the birds away. He knelt down and picked the stuffed animal up.

No doubt about it, this was the Sir Stinky that Hakuba had been so adamant about the return of.

"Hakuba was so upset..." Kaito thought aloud to himself. "Do you think this elephant was very important to him?"

He smoothed out the elephant's ears. One of its button-eyes had been nearly pulled off and there was an extremely large rip on its left leg, but the damage looked fixable.

Kaito didn't even know why, but he felt like he owed Hakuba at least this much.

* * *

Sorry~ I was being distracted by Durarara!! for the last several weeks. Anyways, the heist- and coherent plot- will begin next chapter, which is good, because seriously? This is shaping up to be so crack-filled and it shouldn't be.

asfsdfd so maybe it will get a little more serious.

Or your know, it could end up being even more ridiculous and random.

Reviews=updates da?

Gosho Aoyama owns Magic Kaito. Think of the things I could do if I owned it.... *stares dreamily off into space*


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